Lately I've been struggling with wanting to feel His presence, wanting Him to speak to me like He has before. I got stuck in a bit of a funk where my memories of what He's done in the past were hiding, and my hope had jumped ship.
Most days I would pray for what seemed like ages, just asking Him to come back. Sure, I knew all the answers; I knew that He never left and all that church lingo. But at the time it just wasn't cutting it for me. I wanted more. I wanted Him.
So I told Him how I felt, figuring that He could handle my mess (heads up, He can). I told Him that I would obey Him and I would follow Him but that I absolutely would not go without Him. I told Him I couldn't walk through this without Him here.
Those sound like nice things to say, but it quickly moved from there to, "Why aren't You here? If I'm praying for more of You, why won't You answer? You said I'm supposed to have joy, but I'm sure not feeling it."
I realized somewhere in all that confusion that the problem (as usual) was me. Whether I was aware of it or not, somewhere in me I was still afraid that one day He would seem distant and He wouldn't come back.
All the things I knew, all my years in church, every Bible study I'd done had been undermined by just a few instances where people had left me, whether of their choice or not. I haven't had a tragic life or anything, it was just normal stuff that everybody experiences, but I had let this one thing, this thought that love leaves, reign unchecked, and it had, in a way, poisoned me.
As I delved deeper, I saw more and more evidence that my view of love was severely flawed. You could tell by the questions I was asking, one in particular being, "Why won't you come back? Are you tired of dealing with me?"
That was the turning point. From here, I started writing down the conversation so I wouldn't forget or ignore what He said.
"I don't get tired of saving you." That statement caught my ear, so to speak, because I suddenly got the feeling that He had been talking and I wasn't listening.
"So why don't You save me now? I've tried to seek You whole-heartedly and I've begged for You to come near."
"I've been here the whole time."
"I know that You're here, but I can't feel You or see You. I don't have the joy I should have from being with You."
"Does being in love require you to see me? Don't you know who I am? Don't you know that I love you?"
Was that really it? Was I incapable of loving someone I couldn't see?
But then, God reminded me about her.
I have never met Daphine. I've never heard her voice. I've never hugged her, never seen where she lives. All I know is her handwriting and some basic facts, like her love of elephants and that her favorite food is matook (bananas). But I am absolutely crazy about her. I writer her letters and pray for her and talk about her. Just thinking about her makes me smile. I have an impossible love for this little girl.
I've never seen God, but I've seen His handiwork. I've never heard His exact voice, but I've heard His words to me. I've read His letters. I know His likes (goodness, justice, humility) and dislikes (sin, pain, evil), even His very character (perfect, Father, good, right, lovely, holy, compassionate).
Here's what I wrote in my journal:
"I know how You feel about me. You love me, You call me beloved,You're a good Father and a great King and a caring Counselor and a wise Judge.
Is that not enough? Can I not love You because of who You are?
Why is there a twinge of sadness here? Because You are so good and I am so...not.
Maybe I see myself wrongly, too. I can't deny my sin or unworthiness, but at root that is not who I am.
How You see me is how I am. You see me as having Your Son's face of righteousness, heart of mercy, hands of service, mind of wisdom. You see me as daughter, bride, one of Your chosen people, dearly loved.
Daphine makes me happy because I picture her happy. When I see her laugh, in my mind's eye, I can't help but smile, and feel love.
I left out joyful in my description of You.
Why are You happy?"
This was the real question, and the answer changed everything.
"Because You're in love."
God is powerfully in love with Himself. John Piper explains it a lot better than I do, but He is the greatest, best thing in the whole universe, so it's only right to love the best thing, which is Himself. The Father loves the Son, the Son loves the Father. He knows He is good, and perfect, and just, and He loves Himself so He does everything with His best interests in mind. (That one will mess with your head a little bit!)
On top of that, if you look at redemptive history, you'll see that His love for Himself overflows onto a very unworthy people. It's fairly obvious in the Bible that God is in love with us. All of Israel's wandering and redemption, God's way of escape for Noah, the promise of a Savior even at the Fall, it's all evidence of a God madly in love with a people who are wildly undeserving. He is pursuing us, winning our hearts.
"Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends." He went as far as He could go to show us that He loves us with a love that will not end. There is no limit to His love.
He is not far off, He is chasing me. All these things I've been learning are mainly serving a greater purpose; to make me unlearn what I thought about love and learn what real Love is. It's Him. He's binding my heart inseparably to His. He is romancing me, winning my heart.
We as church people (or anyone who's ever been to a wedding) know that we reference the "love chapter" a lot. 1 Corinthians 13, "Love is patient, love is kind," etc. I know sometimes people will put their or their significant other's name in as some sort of checklist, and there's nothing wrong with that. But I think we're missing something. God is love, right? So maybe He's painting a picture of Himself.
"My love is patient and kind; my love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude...My love does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. My love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. My love never ends."
This is the truth. This is real Love. This is my God. This is the Lover and Redeemer of my soul. He will save me every single time because He is in love with me. And one day, I'll see my Love, and I will finally be able to love Him well.
"For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known. So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love." (13:12-13)
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