What Naps, Mario Kart, and Being Bad at Frisbee Have in Common

On December 27th, 2013, I picked up a copy of Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts devotional. It seemed like a cool idea, and I liked her blog, so I figured it would be fun. I, as usual, had no idea what I was getting myself into. 

I won't say I stuck with it well. Ann says that to see how God's blessing and working in everything we count His gifts. Simple enough, right? 

It's simple until we skip a month because we absolutely can't see the good in anything. It's simple until we realize that we're blind as bats and ungrateful as toddlers. It's simple until He takes gifts away. 

I expected this journey to make everything happy and sunny and totally great. I didn't expect to write more gifts in tears than in laughter. 

This morning, I look at my journal and stare hard at the number 1,200, wondering what on earth to write there. I decided to go back to the beginning, gift number one that I wrote over a year ago. Let's see if you can trace this like I did. (I edited some that were uber-specific.)

"1. Allowing me to learn from everything 
...6. Snowflakes
...38. New beginnings
...39. Mario Kart
...43. A good night's sleep (Literally I think I have more naps written as gifts than anything else.)
...55. An official spot for Italy
...71. The anticipation of making cookies 
...154. Stories keeping people together
...160. Loving me enough to fill the chinks in my armor
(February)
...200. For so much joy
...219. Surprise milkshakes after church
...234. A day spent being old people
...281. Singing (I wrote this one a lot, too)
(March)
...289. The hope of Heaven
...296. Cuddling with Balto (Yes, I thank God for Balto like, every other day.)
...310. Guilt, because it humbles me
...320. Lovely days at the park
...359. Hitting myself with an umbrella (I don't remember this incident.)
(April)
...389. Sunburned cheeks
...401. Connecting with new old people
(May)
...426. Being terrible at frisbee
...427. Not leaving me even when I ran
...464. that You redeem pain
...485. Felicia, the stray cat
(June)
...502. Maturity discovered and lines drawn
(August)
...507. The Alps, You saying "look how beautiful I am!"
...510. Brothers discovering truth for themselves (Italy)
...522. Experience that words can't portray
(September)
...537. That I know I still love You because I miss You
...539. Thank You for my broken heart, because now You can mend it 
...562. You heal when I hurt
(October)
...584. Giving me words to encourage
...590. My 1st letter from  Daphine
...600. That You hold on when I lose everything else
(December)
...601. My darkest moments, because You are near
...602. Betrayal, because You are faithful
...621. Daphine, encouraging me on the other side of the world
...629. this season still being beautiful in pain
...630. That Love came this far
...647. That I know pain so maybe I can help others
...665. Finding You as my treasure
...695. I am not abandoned
...697. You are Sovereign 
...705. Continually pulling me out of the dark
...710. Saving me"

I wasn't expecting that the gifts that mattered most were the ones that hurt. I looked for Him in the sunlight, but I most found Him in the forest. 

Lately I've been struggling with joy. I know I'm called to "rejoice always", but I find myself wondering how on earth you can rejoice always when your heart hurts. 

This, friends, is why we need the gifts. Not just to pretend everything's sunny when it isn't, but to remind ourselves that the sun will come back even if you can't see it because it has before. Tracking God's faithfulness reminds our amnesiac souls that God was good yesterday, so we can trust Him to be good today, and tomorrow, and the next day. 

I preach to myself, because I know better. I know that gifts are the way to see His heart. But I still run. I still doubt. I know where joy is and I act like I don't. 

But the beauty of Jesus is that He's still good when I'm not looking. Even though I'm bad at tracking it, He's changed me immensely. And I can honestly, though not without pain, look at this past year and say that yes, it was worth it. The Father, Counselor, Comforter, Beloved, that I know today is not the same God I knew last year. Not because He changed, but because I didn't see. The cost may have been great, but the reward is eternal. 

So today, March 26th, I keep counting. 

...1196. for saving me when nothing in me was worth saving
...1197. for being so powerful and so close
...1198. for forgiving me
...1199. for giving me the witness opportunities that I had
...1200. for promising to be faithful as You have been faithful