A Beautiful Mess

This is it. This is what I've been searching for. All these days when I feel like giving up because nothing in me is worth saving. All these days as we meditate on the cross and I say "God, I'm not worth it. Why would you do this for me?"
All those days when I'm a failure. When I'm mean. When I have a temper. When everyone around me is rejoicing in His sacrifice and all I can say is, "Don't do this for me. I'll just disappoint you." 
When I'm afraid of the future because I'm certain I'll ruin my life. 
When I pull away from love because I'm convinced I'll just hurt people. 
When I beg God not to leave me but know that if He did He'd be right. 

It's these days that I need a reminded that He picked me knowing full well what a mess I am. 
He picked me and made me worth it because He chose me.
He looked full in the face of all the times my pride would swallow me and I'd despair and He said 

"I love you. I want you. I will bring you into my family and I will give you greater blessings than you can imagine." 

My messiness becomes beautiful in the face of His amazing love. His glory is magnified in my depravity. 

Ann Voskamp said it beautifully when she said: 

" Every single day has a bit of it’s own now-traumatic stress disorder. It’s not just the life crises that are traumatic. The mirror can be traumatic and any self-reflection, and time and aging is traumatic for us who are made to breathe eternity.”

“When you really want to disappear – is when you really want to be found. When you really want to run away from everybody – is when you really want to be found by just somebody.

It’s about aging — and more. It’s about time passing and never coming back — and more. It’s about getting through the birthdays — and letting yourself be loved. Even if it’s imperfectly by imperfect people. Hold out for perfect and you end up holding nothing.

Why is it so hard to let yourself be loved?

Sometimes you can hardly bear to let anyone try to love you because it feels like a lie.”

“Or maybe it really is — that the moment you accept love, you have to accept yourself, and there’s something in that that seems unacceptable. Strange, how there’s no love without humility – no one can accept anything except on their knees. (Everything else is stealing.)

Maybe it’s not about birthday candles or aging; maybe it’s really about the calendar saying the time is now to look that wrinkling face in the mirror and touch that cheek gentle and whisper, “It really is okay. So you are broken. Be brave. Let yourself be loved.”  

I struggle with letting myself be loved. I don't feel like I deserve it. I reason that if they really knew the darkest parts of me they wouldn't love me. I forget that everyone else is just as broken as I am. I forget that Christ loves me just as much as He does them and under Him we are all called Beloved.
John Piper says that we should preach things to ourselves. 
Soul, you are loved.
Christ is in you and He wants you to walk with Him.
You are not worth it but He is infinitely merciful in choosing you and for that you should be infinitely grateful."
Revel in the gloriousness of a perfect Savior loving imperfect people and give your whole life as an offering of thanks.