No More

It's been a long couple of weeks over here. A hard couple of weeks. Naturally, when things got rough I did what I've been all too prone to do and started ignoring God. 
Sure enough, it took quite the heartache to finally come to my senses. 

First things first, I realize I haven't been blogging in quite a while. I've been busy, I've been lazy, I've been growing...needless to say a lot has changed.
But, regrettably, it's not all good. I've taken my eyes off of Jesus and while I managed to stay afloat, I look back now and see I've drifted. 

But no more. 

You see, while I'm not the same person I was five months ago, God is the same God He has always been and will forever be. And yet I've "fallen out of love" with Him, so to speak. It's not that I don't believe, but I've been distracted. My actions are motivated by this foolish subconscious thought that I can earn His love, rather than doing things because I love Him. I've let a lot of sin sneak back into my life without realizing it, and I can no longer be blind.  

In the 25th anniversary Doctor Who special, the Doctor is faced with a choice. A war has been raging for so long between the Daleks and the Time Lords. Neither side can win, it seems, but if the home planet of Gallifrey falls to the Daleks, the entire universe is next to fall with it. The Doctor knows that if he can just stop them at this planet, the rest of the universe will be safe. "NO MORE," he declares in red paint on a wall as he goes in search of a weapon to destroy Gallifrey, Daleks, Time Lords, and all. Sacrifice an entire planet (and himself) to save an entire universe.  

This sin that's crept into my life is slowly poisoning me. It will only grow, and if I let it, it will consume me. So I've gotta stop it at the source. It will hurt. It requires sacrifice. I will have to die. But isn't that what the Bible asks of us? To die to self so Christ may live in us?

I'm preaching to myself and I know it. I've become lukewarm. Hard-hearted. I want to change, but I just can't. I can only ask God to make the change in me I need. I don't want to be useless. I want to care. I want to love Him. But I'm weak-willed and hurting. All I can do is trust and hope. 

Hope. That lovely word that used to be ingrained in my language that I've lost sight of. Isn't it beautiful?