From Summer 2015: Heavy and Light

I've been meaning to blog all summer as things happen, but life was too busy, well, happening. Then I was going to write a highlight reel of sorts, but I'm learning that part of honesty is acknowledging that life is not always easy. It sounds so simple, but it's much more fun to share about the beach and mountaintop experiences than the dark places that filled in the gaps between, and sometimes I think that's really what people need to hear, anyway.

So here's my summer, good and bad, heavy and light.

Heavy

• College is coming, and coming fast. Sometimes in the midst of the best parts of this summer I would be reminded of what was coming and it was like a sudden weight dropped on my chest. Anxiety would pile on until I had to remind myself to breathe. 
• Doubt has been plaguing me this summer. Everything changing has left my defenses down, and the enemy has been constantly whispering questions in my ear. My faith has been shaken from the ground up, and it's left me feeling unsteady to say the least. 
• Especially right after or right before an event, despair has weighed pretty heavy on my heart. From general discouragement to wanting to curl up under a blanket and forget the world, my emotions have not been on my side. 
• God has felt distant at times. Partly because of the previous point, it's like a fog will settle in front of Him and I just can't seem to grasp Him. I know He's there, but He seems out of reach or silent. Nothing feels so hopeless as wanting God and feeling like you can't get to Him. 
• Leaving my job, and missing it so much more than I imagined. 
• The more I learn, the more I realize I have so much farther to go, and while that can be liberating, it can also be extremely frustrating.
• It's far too easy to get caught up in who you aren't and forget whose you are.
• Goodbyes are hard, even temporary ones. 

Light

• Mission Ohio: We set out with a fairly definite set of plans, and we ended up doing almost none of them-and it was great. I got stretched into speaking to a bit bigger crowd than I was expecting (right, Jadyn?), and realizing that the Gospel really is enough for all people, even if it's told differently. Some of the highlights were the small moments. Pushing a lady named Gloria up to her room in the nursing home. Six girls and my youth pastor in a Suburban talking about everything from iPhones to quiet times .This was the first taste of what became the theme of my summer: community.
  
• Movie Nights/ Taco Bell runs: Seriously, as much as I mess around, I love you group of girls I've gotten to hang out with this summer. It doesn't matter that you're younger than me, watching movies and eating Taco Bell will be cherished memories for me forever. I have laughed with you guys and discussed some of the hard stuff with you guys, and you have a special place in my heart. Jason, Rick, Oscar, Gracie, and the rest of you who've been in and out: thank you. I love you, you pretty blossom queens. ;) 
  
• Riverbend: *tries not to go super-fan* Tenth Avenue North-you changed my life. I went to my first concert in 6th grade, and since then your music has come along at the exact right time for every season. If time permitted, I'd write a whole blog post just for you. Tenth Ave has been that voice of reassurance I need so frequently: I am known and loved by God, and the church matters (see, there's that community thing again.) Standing in a shoulder-to-shoulder crowd with my brothers and sisters at the front of the stage (with Mr. Mike Donehey TWO FEET AWAY) singing "Stars in the Night" as the sun set over the Tennessee River- yeah, that's what I imagine Heaven will be a lot like. Also, not to be forgotten, Matthew West reminded us that it's never too late to start at day one because we are a new creation in Christ, and our stories- my story, your story- they matter. 
  
• VBS: I struggled a bit going into VBS this year, and when I asked God for guidance He gave me a phrase: "Look low. Love the least of these." I'll be honest, I had some kids in my group this year that were pretty hard to love. My self wanted to ignore them and hang out with the "more fun" kids. But God kept reminding me that these are the kids He died for. Some of these kids had been ignored or abandoned everywhere else, and they needed to see that they would not be abandoned here, not by Him. That week could have been the turning point, the day their name changed to "Child of the One True King" (thanks Matthew West). And this past Sunday as I watched one of those sweet girls in my group get baptized I remembered, yeah, God is good. 
  
• Senior Trip: Aside from a couple of mission trips (or maybe "alongside"), this was my favorite trip ever. I was drowning in community and loving every single second of it. Aside from the fact that we got to spend the whole week lounging at the beach and, for me, turning into a human lobster, I just love you guys a lot. It's been a long road for some of us, and this just felt like that perfect breath before life gets crazy again. I don't think anything will ever compare to that moment where we were playing volleyball in the kitchen while "You Are the Music in Me" blasted over the speaker and I tried not to cry. I came home feeling loved and refreshed, reassured that if this was community then college might be okay, and wondering how on earth we all ended up talking like Laura. #Nugget
  
• Family Vacation: I'm not usually sappy when it comes to family, so I'll try to keep it simple so no one cries ;). I had so much fun with you guys. I needed those times with you. I love you, a lot, and I don't say it enough. God really showed me that week that there is always more light to be seen. I never thought I'd love riding in a too-big truck named Turk, eating donuts, learning the shoe lady's life story, or joking around with the guy at Journey's (shhhh, Ben). There are a lot of other beautiful things I could say, but I'll save them for when I'm not moving out in a couple of days. 
  
• Stars: I have hardcore fallen in love with stars this summer. So far I've seen them from five different states this summer, and they just take my breath away like they never did before. When I stepped out onto the sand that first night of senior trip and saw the stars stretching as far as I could see, only hidden by where the ocean met the sky, I wanted to drop to my knees then and there. See, He calls them out by name- every one of them- and surely He must be able to take care of my little life. And to my friend who knows waaay more about space than I ever will, thanks for waking me up to all the hardcore beautiful stuff out there. 
• Adrienne: Hey, Watson. This goes without saying, but I love you more than I can say. Even though I haven't seen you quite as much this summer, our coffee dates, shopping trips, hibachi/Netflix nights, and all that other random crap we do means the world to me. You're one of the few that has always been there, and for that I'll never be able to say thank you enough. So for eating food with me, laughing at my stupid jokes, watching my wreck of a dog, and everything in between: mbleh. 
  
• Opening Up: God's been doing a lot even in what seemed like silence, and I've finally starting talking about some of the stuff that I've been dealing with for a long time. Sometimes healing starts with just knowing someone out there is on your side. Thanks for listening.
• PrayZchoir retreat: This year was different. I was chaperoning, and it took a while to figure out where I fit. Turns out the answer is the same as it usually is- love like Christ. The will of God isn't always big, "go to Asia" revelations. Turns out it's a lot of telling middle schoolers that they matter and getting outside of your head to see that this world needs a lot of love, and there's only one place that will truly fill that need: the arms of Christ. 
  

So this summer, it wasn't easy. But it wasn't all bad. I have found the depths of pain and the heights of joy and maybe Vanauken was right to refuse to take the easy middle way. I'm still learning. I'm still fighting to breathe, but one thing I know is that this summer was not an accident, and this year will not be one either. We only have to take it one step at a time, one moment, one choice to love, once choice to live like Christ, and in the end we'll have plenty to write about. 

And I choose to write it, because my story matters. My story matters because thanks to Christ, my story is so much bigger than me. I am connected to His plan and His church and He has a part for me to play. 

So to anyone who feels like life is just too heavy: hold on. Hold out. I promise, the light will come. And in the meantime, know you are not alone. We understand. We're all made of heavy and light, and we need community to pull through. Don't be afraid to need and you'll never walk alone. God is with you, we are with you, and "His love will lead us through the fight like stars in the night."

BONUS:

In case this post wasn't long enough already, here's my summer soundtrack.

Owl City- Mobile Orchestra 

For King and Country- Run Wild. Live Free. Love Strong.

Tenth Avenue North- Cathedrals 

Walk the Moon- "Shut Up and Dance"

Crowder- Neon Steeple