From the Goers

So tonight I single-handedly made my family cry and surprised a good portion of my church. I told them that God has called me to Asia. Not right now, obviously, but in the future, probably after college. 

Now I promise, as surprised as they were, no one was as surprised as myself. 


Asia was not even on my radar. I only wanted to know whether to go to college or tour with Life Action next year and, as usual when I try to narrow God down to my options, got far more than I bargained for. 

I've spent years chasing this mysterious "calling" I've heard so much about, and I've never been entirely sure of how this worked or what to expect, so let me shed the light on the situation for the sake of others in that place. Keep in mind that this is different for everyone, and I don't have answers. I just want to share my experience and God can do with it as He pleases. 

I've been struggling deeply for several months now, as any of you know if you've followed this blog. I've been through more emotions than I knew I had, from fear and doubt to betrayal, anger, hatred, general weepiness, complaining, and just about everything else. In short, I've been a wreck. 

When this Life Action group showed up to do revival I was definitely expectant, but also at the end of my rope. I had no idea what I was doing. I'd lost purpose, hope, everything but the faint plea that God would do anything at all to rescue me. 


Within the first week, I forgave people I thought would never speak to me again. I started fighting my sin with active prayer rather than just hoping I'd make it. 

But I still hadn't seen God like I hoped I would, and I knew why. My pride. I couldn't shake it, no matter what I tried. My nasty self-love was at the root of this mess, and it wasn't letting go easy. 

Thankfully for me, God is not intimidated by my pride, and He knew exactly what to do. 

Monday night I came home from church unsettled. I felt this pushing on my heart to get alone, get quiet, and get ready. I only knew this was God because He had already convicted me twice that week about unforgiveness, but this was stronger than the other two so I quickly obeyed. I closed my door and dropped to my knees, which was strange enough because I rarely pray in any posture but sitting in my comfy bed or in a church pew. I felt like I was about to burst from the pressure inside me. I quickly wondered if it was God or if I was sick, when I started praying. 

But it wasn't wholly me. I've only prayed like that once before, and it really  brings to life the verse about the Spirit interceding when you don't know what to pray. I found myself committing my life, my dreams,everything to Him. I found myself using scripture I didn't know I knew to praise Him. 


"Go," He said. 
"Where?" 
"To the ends of the earth." 
Weird, huh? I wasn't sure what that meant, because I was kind of hoping for something like "college" or "with Life Action", but I stayed quiet and waited a moment more. 

"Sit up, but don't open your eyes," He said. 
Huh. "Why?" I asked. Funny how with everything else going on that's what I wanted to know. His answer knocked the breath out of me. 


"Because you will have to walk where you cannot see." 


That's when I got scared (more than I was, anyway). My mind quickly flashed through all the stories of times people spoke with God in the Bible. No wonder He always told them not to be afraid first. I waited a moment more. 

"I have given you a holy calling." 
"Yes, Lord." Isn't that what all Christians have? 
"My mark is on your life." 
"Yes, Lord." What did He want from me?

"Asia." 
A single word, pushed to the forefront of my attention. I shook my head, sure that wasn't what He meant. Then, more persistent, over and over, "Asia." 

Tears came uninvited. I never expected this. I never cared about Asia. Africa, Europe, Canada, the US, even Australia, I'd offered to go those places plenty of times (funny how I offer that, as if He needs suggestions). 
Asia was scary. Asia wasn't safe. Shallow me said Asia was hot, and far away. 


I turned and looked at the Voice of the Martyrs calendar on my wall where most of Asia was colored as Hostile or Restricted. 


"I will be with you," He said. 

I wish I could say that I got super spiritual and prayed hard and suddenly felt like a missionary. I wish I could even say I felt relieved. But a story of half truths to make myself look good does nothing for the glory of God. 
I was terrified. I shook so hard I couldn't sleep for hours. I woke up and did a shaky quiet time before I went to work and distracted myself for four hours. I couldn't bring myself to tell my friends, my parents, anyone. 


I was scared they'd ask about my plans (I don't have any) or how it happened (I thought if I told them this story they'd think I was crazy) or maybe just look for signs of my devotion to the cause (I didn't have any). 

And, as much I hate to admit it, I don't have a heart for the lost. I've asked God to give me one, but right now I can't muster up the will to care about something I haven't connected with. 

If God was looking for the most unqualified person to go to the mission field, He found it. 

I felt like a fraud. I half hoped I'd wake up and realize I was just tired or I misunderstood. But that wasn't the case. 

I went to church that night hoping I'd get the courage to tell my youth pastor or His wife. If anyone would understand, surely the church staff would, I reasoned. They were nowhere to be found. (No offense, Eric and Julie. If God didn't want me to talk to you I'm glad you were busy!) 

I went through the youth service, laughed at jokes, took notes, like normal. But that heavy feeling stayed in my heart. We went in main service and sang about how desperate we were for God. I asked Him to forgive me for singing things that weren't true. 

See, whether I consciously acknowledged it or not, I had pushed God out at a distance. "I talked with you and You scared me half to death," was my heart. I couldn't handle any more conviction, this one hurt too much. 
Then came time for giving testimonies. I told Him I couldn't go because I hadn't told my parents yet. I told Him I couldn't go because it would just be me talking about myself. I told Him I couldn't get to that side of the room. (Funny how lame our excuses get when we're scared.) 

"So you say you'll go to Asia for me, but you won't talk to your church family? You're scared now, you have to overcome this before you can do really scary things." 

I went. I almost cried. My voice shook. Wonderful people prayed with me. My family cried, and I felt guilty. People came up and congratulated and encouraged me with all the best intentions. 

I still only felt scared. 

I came home. I prayed. I cried some more. That's when I first saw God working on my pride. See, all day my prayer had been "I'm afraid", but somewhere in that prayer, alone, knowing I had so much support, it changed to "I'm not worthy." 

I'm a fearful, doubting, sometimes depressed, prideful, comfort-seeking, inconsistent girl. I went on an overseas trip and came home more convinced that missions wasn't for me (I later realized that was because my heart was much farther from God than I thought. Choosing sin over Him will blind you to how He can use you.) I literally, just a few days ago, wrote a post about how I finally felt secure in my position as a Sender. 

I'm beginning to think God likes doing the unexpected, and He certainly likes using the unworthy. 
I finished my prayer still-you guessed it- scared. 

Then I opened my Bible to Matthew, and God opened my eyes. 

"and in his name the Gentiles will hope." 

It's like Jesus took my face in His hands and turned it to Himself. 

I can't save a single person. Not a one. But God saved me, didn't He? 

Maybe even as a Goer I'm still a Sender. My job is not to save people. My job is to come alongside them, show them that I understand what they're feeling, and point them to where I found hope. 

If Christ is the treasure in a field, I can't make them take it, enjoy it, love it. All I can do is show them where it is. 

My job is to send people His way and He'll do the work. Maybe going is really just Sending in a different place. Sending people His way. 

Right now I'm still afraid. I don't know what's coming. My only prayer is that He would make my heart look like His, because I don't dare go without joy. He will make me want what He wants, and I want to want Him and His will. 

(P.S. I'm so sorry that everything is long and highlighted. I'm technologically inept sometimes.)