This is not when I usually write-
In the middle. When I can't see how this ends.
I normally wait until I've seen some lesson, some positive note to tie everything together. But I want to be real here. I don't want to present the nice, polished version of myself. There are too many nice, polished Christians out there, and sometimes they're the reason that real people, people like us, can't relate.
Right now I'm living in the Saturday. I wrote about it here a while ago. How sometimes life can feel like that in-between day when the grave was silent and the veil was torn but the angels were yet to be seen.
Right now I can't see a way out. I've prayed and struggled and cried and everything else for months, and I'm flat-out exhausted. Despite all my little breakthroughs and revelations, I've run out of hope. I can't fix this. I can't fix my sin-sick, broken heart. I can't get rid of this pride that is slowly poisoning me. I can't get rid of this deep hurt that feels more like dying than healing. I can't forgive, can't move, can't stop being so afraid of well, everything.
I feel like I did the other morning, driving to work when it was pitch black and foggy and I was still heavy with sleep. I can't see where this road leads, I'm afraid, and it takes all I have just to keep inside the lanes.
See, it's much easier to write once I feel like I've learned that lesson. The hard part is writing when I can't even take my own advice, much less give anyone else encouragement. All these things I write about are things I'm learning, and more often than not failing at. The main reason I write is to preach to myself because I know what a wreck I am.
Only God and I know how bad my pride is. Only we know how often my temper gets out of control. Only we know how fake I can be because I'm absolutely terrified of being vulnerable. Only we know that I throw pity parties-lots of them. Only we know that I hate not being in control. Only we know how even my "humility" is often just another cry for attention.
And the scary part? I don't even really know how bad I am. As awful as I see myself being, God sees me better-and He sees me as being so, so much worse.
And yeah, I say I want these things gone. But my heart? My true-to-Scripture deceitful heart? It wants 5-step programs, better morality, lightning from Heaven, anything but waiting for God to change me and really seeking Him. I want to see results. I want to fill out a spreadsheet and write a blog about exactly what God is doing and how He did it and how you can have it, too.
As much as I say, "Oh yeah, I keep doing things in my own power," it's so much worse than even that.
I don't trust Him. After everything I've been through, every time He's come through, every situation He has performed miracles in, the one thing I don't trust Him with is myself. I don't trust Him to change me.
***March 1***
I started writing this a week ago. Since then God has worked unexpectedly-quietly, that is. I kept waiting for moments bursting and loud but instead He has been whispering and pushing and tugging. God is moving, that's for sure. My hope is growing, my perspective is changing, and my life has altered piece by piece. I've been vulnerable with people this week in a way that I never thought possible. I've forgiven and asked for forgiveness from people that I thought were beyond reach. I've seen a massively redemptive and amazing end to the story I've been living for a while.
So what's left?
a) my pride. The more God moves, the more it rears its ugly head. I keep trying to fix things even though I've seen Him solve everything way better than I could right in front of my face. I'm constantly having to check my motives even for doing godly things. Despite all this, the one thing I'm still afraid to ask for is to be humbled. It will hurt, and my heart is still holding on to its illusion of the right for life to be easy. But, this pride is making it difficult to be in awe of God, and that's a place I don't want to be.
b) the next step. I'm at a crossroads in my life with two equally good, life-changing opportunities in front of me. I can't reason out this decision, as much as I try to, so I'm learning how to wait on God. He doesn't want me to wander around confused; when I need to know, He'll tell me. I see steps, though, as He is teaching me how to hear and obey His voice in little things so I'll know it for the big ones.
So friends, this is where I'm at, even though I'm not sure where that is.
***March 8***
While strolling through Tumblr today I discovered Steffany Gretzinger's solo album, the Undoing, and I feel like it could have been my soundtrack lately. (She's one of the lead singers for Bethel Music, btw. I didn't know, so now you know.)
I expected the past 15 days of Life Action to be building. It's what I'd prayed for. I needed a Nehemiah-like rebuilding of my life and my "walls" because I'd gotten to the point where I had nothing left, or so I thought. Then I got called to Asia and everything changed. My college major, my goals, my dreams, they've all been flipped on their head.
But that isn't what this post is about. It's been a week since the previous section, and thankfully my questions about the next step were answered, and He's working on my pride as we speak.
However, I've promised to be honest here, so I'll admit that I'm not where I want to be right now. I always assumed that once I found my calling everything would clear up. To a certain extent, yes, my immediate plans have become more obvious in light of the goal, the mission.
Yet God seems silent. He showed up powerfully when He called me, and even through the next night when I told my testimony to the church, but the past few days I've been unsettled because I can't feel Him near. I can't hear Him.
My first reaction was anger. I pushed Him away. It felt like He'd dropped this message on me and abandoned me, and I was scared that if I tried to be near Him again He'd do something that hurt. Conviction hurts. Calling hurts. Lately He's been using pain to teach me, and I decided that I was done.
Then I kept hearing the verse about being faithful in little before being given much. He's given me a heavy calling, and I don't mean Asia. We talked about it at church, and it wasn't very pleasant. He's called me to suffer. Following Him in the Bible typically meant that easy was not an option. All but one apostle was killed, and the one that wasn't was exiled. Paul certainly had his fair share of pain, from shipwrecks to jail to torture.
Why do we think we're any different? We reason it away, saying that they were super-Christians in an anti-Christian time. I hate to break it to you friends, but we live in an anti-Christian time, and if we haven't seen evidence of that in our own lives, we're probably not living how we should. I can say this because I know I'm guilty. If people aren't offended by the things I say or confused about the way I live, then I'm most likely hiding my faith in an attempt to please the very people living in darkness.
Why would we want to please the darkness? Aren't we supposed to please Him?
My second reaction was despair. I felt lonely. I felt like this was somehow God's punishment, so I did everything I could think of to please Him. I tried to earn back His love by living right and reading my Bible.
Now, please don't get the wrong impression. These are good things. Sometimes God does discipline us like this until we remove the barrier of sin. The problem was, I was trying to earn something I can deserve. Like the "humble brag" equivalent of prayer, I begged for mercy and told Him how unworthy I was when really I was seeking a voice saying "no, no, don't worry, you're fine." I thought maybe if I was just good enough He'd reassure me. It was my pride in my thinking I was humble.
My third reaction was confusion. Stupid me tried to throw God's own words back at Him. "If you said You'd never leave me, why aren't You here?" "They said You'd equip me for what You've called me to, where are You?" I was desperately trying to figure out what God's plan was in this dry spell.
Um, what? Since when did God have to explain everything to me? Since when did I reserve the right to see the behind-the-scenes? His thoughts and ways are higher than mine, but in my mind it was "Your ways are higher...as long as You explain them to me."
God doesn't owe me anything. I'm called to suffering and prideful, so why on earth did I think I could cross my arms and pout my way out of this? He's God. I'm not. Period.
Which led me here: trust. Since God designed, authored, and guides my life, doesn't He know how it works best? Yes, the Bible does say He'll never leave me. Since I believe the Bible is entirely true, that means that He's still here even when I can't feel Him.
My emotions lie. Shocker, right? My feelings tell me God is gone and silent and mean. My emotions told me that I could never forgive those people. My emotions tell me to run from suffering.
But my God says otherwise.
My God is Job's God, who allowed the suffering and even silence so that all mankind would know that they can lose everything but Him and have everything they need.
My God is David's God, who was the recipient of both "How long will you abandon me?" and "taste and see that the Lord is good."
My God is Daphine's God, who is, ultimately, faithful.
I have no clue what my life is going to look like in the coming days. But I do get to choose who it looks to.
"In this wasteland where I'm living there is a crack in the door filled with light, and it's all that I need to get by." -NeedtobreatheMy life will look to the crack in the door and trust that my God is always coming through.
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