Going into this new year, the one thing I've realized is that I have no idea how I got here. This time last year I was in such a different place and I was such a different person that I don't think I would recognize myself now. Everything I had planned changed. I changed.
Honestly, if I had the opportunity to tell 2014 me what was coming, I would have said "Good luck" and run the other way. Had I known what this year held, I probably would have freaked out and decided to build a tiny house and live in the woods (sometimes I still want to do that).
I'm going into this new year having lost so much. This has been one long year of grief and change.
Last year I would have said "but I have Christ so everything will be okay!" That's somewhat true, but it isn't what I would say now.
My relationship with God has changed drastically. And by changed drastically, I mean that I was incredibly close to Him, then incredibly angry with Him, and then that repeated for about 12 months. Lots of fun. Where I'm at now is not anywhere close to where I want to be, but it's closer than it was Monday morning, so I have hope.
I have hope because after hitting the bottom so many times I'm starting to get it- He's the only thing worth hoping in.
There came a point where I truly had nothing left, and it was there I saw Him. It was there I realized that all this time I was running, but God had never moved.
I know that's oversimplified because the fact that God is always here doesn't change how painful it is to feel like He isn't. The point, though, is that all those things I chased never once filled me up. They could mask the pain, they could make me forget, but they could never satisfy.
But I do have hope. Even though all my problems won't disappear when the clock strikes midnight, I have hope because God won't disappear either.
I don't need resolutions, because I'm fooling myself if I think I really know what's coming. I'm learning how to be okay with not knowing. All I can do is seek those "next right things" and keep moving in the right direction.
I'm slowly realizing that life is made one choice at a time. One moment at a time. The only place I'm given to encounter God is now. The only place I'm given to encounter people is now. The only place I'm given to do what's right is now.
So, yes, I have some big things coming up. I'm starting 2nd semester. I'm directing a play I wrote. I'm searching for a job. But the goal in all of those is to learn the art of just being. To "be" in a moment is to be awake, present, to risk getting out of my head and encountering someone else.
2016 is almost here. It's time to wake up. To start over. To become new-one step at a time.
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