From the Heavy-Hearted

I feel the weight.
The weight of the world on my shoulders, the weight of my dreams that seem too far, the weight of everything I'm not and everything I want to be.
I feel the weight of the walls I've built and the weight of all the times I'm unseen because I'm hiding.
I feel the weight of all the times I've known better and still chose the distractions over substance because it hurt less.
I feel the weight of the pain that's been carved on my heart for so long that I don't remember when it wasn't there.
I feel the weight of my thoughts that are constantly at war with me and the quiet voice that's at war with them.
I feel the weight of my lack of trust, this faith that I thought was a tree and is much more like a mustard seed.
I feel the weight of how very far I've run, so far that I can't feel His love and whatever love I had seems to have been buried where I can't reach it.

I don't know how to come home, but I want to.

God has always been a place to land for me, and now it feels like the floor's dropped out and I just keep falling. I try to come out, to grab His hand, but I can't see it.

I used to know Him. I used to love Him so much that it would push me to tears. I used to walk so near to Him that it felt like He was in the room when I prayed.

And now, now I just sit in what feels like silence.

Twenty One Pilots have been echoing my emotions lately; "Don't forget about me. Even when I doubt you, I'm no good without you."

I know that I have nowhere else to run. I can't make decisions. I can't know what's best. I can't save myself, much less anyone else. But, I can't seem to get anywhere because every time I think I'm close to reaching Him, it slips away.

I know it must be on my end because He doesn't change, but I'm struggling with the fact that I've tried everything I can to get near Him and none of it seems to work. When I seek out answers, I usually end up with more questions.

This post was supposed to be called "To the Heavy-Hearted", but I changed it because I haven't found a way out yet.

Because as much as I try to end my posts on a hopeful note, sometimes the answers don't come quick and gift-wrapped. So for all the people out there who read blogs and say "yeah, but I haven't found that a-ha moment yet," know that what you're feeling is real, and you're not the only one who deals with that. 

Also, know you need to keep asking those unanswered questions (I'm preaching this to myself) because the answers are there to be found. Please don't give up on seeking. Don't think what you see right now is all there is.